Epiphany

So.. being in a counseling grad program really makes you re-evaluate who you think you are. I was promised at the beginning of the program that I will leave a different person... and interestingly enough, I've already had an epiphany about myself. Amazing. Anyway, I've realized that I have a really really difficult time dealing with sadness. But not in the way you think.

It's hard for me to witness sad people... especially people who are crying. At first I thought it was just pure empathy ("Oh, I'm such a PEOPLE person that I cab just feel everyone else's feelings"). But then I realized it's not just empathy. I want people to stop crying for self-serving purposes. I can't bear to watch people cry because it just plain freaks me out. I've realized that I hate hate HATE feeling sad and expressing sadness. I have two gears: happy and angry. That's it. Two speeds. Two. That's it. Eh, maybe a third... neutral. Hm.

Anywhoo... I think I did my own fair share of crying in my teenage years and early 20s. Now I'm just this bitter old bitch who lacks any real human emotion because I'm over compensating for sadness. I feel as though I'm just kinda moving through life without really living. I need to reevaluate my thought-process.

Crying and sadness do not equal weakness. (repeat)

NOTE: sorry this is kind of a downer if anyone is actually reading, but this thought has been kind of consuming me for the past few days.