Cute.

Introspection

So this post is going to be more a collection of thoughts and mulling over things I've discussed tonight.

Had a coffee date with S. Really enjoyed talking to him about... my feeeelings (said in a sarcastic way) and just about my life in general. I think he wants to get a better sense of who I am and how I may or may not fit into his life or his goals or his... ideal.  It was scary to put my fears and insecurities and past pains out in the open but at the same time it was refreshing. Refreshing in the sense that someone cared enough to ask me about things that are generally hard for me to talk about.  I don't know if anyone's ever really asked me the deep questions or cared enough to listen.  Maybe I'm just more used to conversations that are actually two conversations that are happening simultaneously.  Usually I feel that it's a game of double dutch... both participants are waiting to jump in at the most opportune time to share their own feelings/thoughts/ideas without really listening.

I came across this little paper that was posted at high school I work at, and it said "Listen to understand, not to respond." And I thought it was so... spot-on.  So many people talk to just to be heard and only listen to be polite.  People are too busy trying to persuade/jam/force their own ideas onto others that they don't listen to understand.  I really feel like S listened because he wants to understand me.  I think I was kind of this... enigma to him. I don't think he felt he knew the real me, and let's face it... he didn't. And to be honest, he still probably doesn't.  I'm not sure I have a 100% clear idea of who is the real me, but then again, who does? 

I learned a lot about him too. Things that usually scare me off or give me the red flag, but with him I'm not really scared.  I'm just kind of taking it all in and processing it still.  I feel really weird right now. I feel like it got suddenly super clear... then it all just got murky again as I tried to process it some more.  It's kind of like when you have a crazy dream and the harder you try to remember it, the fuzzier the memory gets.

What do I want out of life? What do I ultimately want from S? What do I really want from myself?

A few thoughts/epiphanies I've had tonight:

1. I must stop living for other people and learn how to live for and with myself

2. No one is perfect, give it up

3. Failure is, and usually is, an option... it's OK to fail if you learn from it and move on

S made me realize that I am afraid of failure.  I can accept flaws and failures and mistakes from others, but for myself... hoo boy, it does not work well for me.  I'm super hard on myself and hold myself to a standard and when I fail, I totally beat myself up about it. I know I do this and I've realized I do this, but I never realized that it rooted from my fear of failure.  S seemed pretty scared about that because he thinks he is not afraid of failure. But really, who isn't? I'm not sure I believe him on that one. He gives himself a pretty hard time but I guess the difference between the two of us is that he tries more than I do.  Fear holds me back from a lot of things.

Did I potentially scare S away with my "realness?" Hm. I dunno. Well, the only thing I can do is just be myself and if he doesn't like it, he can leave. And if I don't like him, I can leave. We don't have a "title" of boyfriend/girlfriend and I feel totally fine with that.  I feel secure about how he feels about me and he feels secure about how I feel about him.  We're honest with each other and we're still in that "getting to know you" stage.  I think that a relationship is so much stronger when you choose to be with that person instead of letting obligations tie you to that person when you're not sure you should, or want to, be.  I like him and he likes me. Let's just see what happens. We're going to take it slow. But honestly, I don't think any other guy I've dated has really wanted to push me to be a more whole person.  He wants me to grow and I want him to grow.  This all sounds super cheese, but it's true.  I want someone that will challenge me instead of indulge/humor/patronize me.  I want someone who I can feel comfortable enough to challenge and push.  

If I show him the REAL me, will he run? Who is the real me? AHHH. So many thoughts coursing through my brain.

I know that I like him and I like spending time with him. I know that this feels like something real.

Let's just see what happens. I'm going to hope for the best.