Cute.

Introspection

So this post is going to be more a collection of thoughts and mulling over things I've discussed tonight.

Had a coffee date with S. Really enjoyed talking to him about... my feeeelings (said in a sarcastic way) and just about my life in general. I think he wants to get a better sense of who I am and how I may or may not fit into his life or his goals or his... ideal.  It was scary to put my fears and insecurities and past pains out in the open but at the same time it was refreshing. Refreshing in the sense that someone cared enough to ask me about things that are generally hard for me to talk about.  I don't know if anyone's ever really asked me the deep questions or cared enough to listen.  Maybe I'm just more used to conversations that are actually two conversations that are happening simultaneously.  Usually I feel that it's a game of double dutch... both participants are waiting to jump in at the most opportune time to share their own feelings/thoughts/ideas without really listening.

I came across this little paper that was posted at high school I work at, and it said "Listen to understand, not to respond." And I thought it was so... spot-on.  So many people talk to just to be heard and only listen to be polite.  People are too busy trying to persuade/jam/force their own ideas onto others that they don't listen to understand.  I really feel like S listened because he wants to understand me.  I think I was kind of this... enigma to him. I don't think he felt he knew the real me, and let's face it... he didn't. And to be honest, he still probably doesn't.  I'm not sure I have a 100% clear idea of who is the real me, but then again, who does? 

I learned a lot about him too. Things that usually scare me off or give me the red flag, but with him I'm not really scared.  I'm just kind of taking it all in and processing it still.  I feel really weird right now. I feel like it got suddenly super clear... then it all just got murky again as I tried to process it some more.  It's kind of like when you have a crazy dream and the harder you try to remember it, the fuzzier the memory gets.

What do I want out of life? What do I ultimately want from S? What do I really want from myself?

A few thoughts/epiphanies I've had tonight:

1. I must stop living for other people and learn how to live for and with myself

2. No one is perfect, give it up

3. Failure is, and usually is, an option... it's OK to fail if you learn from it and move on

S made me realize that I am afraid of failure.  I can accept flaws and failures and mistakes from others, but for myself... hoo boy, it does not work well for me.  I'm super hard on myself and hold myself to a standard and when I fail, I totally beat myself up about it. I know I do this and I've realized I do this, but I never realized that it rooted from my fear of failure.  S seemed pretty scared about that because he thinks he is not afraid of failure. But really, who isn't? I'm not sure I believe him on that one. He gives himself a pretty hard time but I guess the difference between the two of us is that he tries more than I do.  Fear holds me back from a lot of things.

Did I potentially scare S away with my "realness?" Hm. I dunno. Well, the only thing I can do is just be myself and if he doesn't like it, he can leave. And if I don't like him, I can leave. We don't have a "title" of boyfriend/girlfriend and I feel totally fine with that.  I feel secure about how he feels about me and he feels secure about how I feel about him.  We're honest with each other and we're still in that "getting to know you" stage.  I think that a relationship is so much stronger when you choose to be with that person instead of letting obligations tie you to that person when you're not sure you should, or want to, be.  I like him and he likes me. Let's just see what happens. We're going to take it slow. But honestly, I don't think any other guy I've dated has really wanted to push me to be a more whole person.  He wants me to grow and I want him to grow.  This all sounds super cheese, but it's true.  I want someone that will challenge me instead of indulge/humor/patronize me.  I want someone who I can feel comfortable enough to challenge and push.  

If I show him the REAL me, will he run? Who is the real me? AHHH. So many thoughts coursing through my brain.

I know that I like him and I like spending time with him. I know that this feels like something real.

Let's just see what happens. I'm going to hope for the best.

Single Again

Seriously. Seriously? Seriously!

This is retarded. Why is dating so freaking complicated and hard? Why can't two people like each other for who they are and then work toward having a meaningful relationship? It all sounds so simple but in reality, it's so... ridiculous. So my "boyfriend" and I had only been officially together for like two months and he decides that he doesn't feel any type of deep connection with me. Which confused and hurt me, but at the same time it made me open my eyes and realize that my feelings for him were luke-warm. I liked him, yes. But was it a like that could potentially turn into love? I think that I really liked him in the beginning, and instead of that feeling turning into something more... it just kind of plateau'ed and stopped. It just... hit the max. So the end of the story is that "we" (and by we I mean he) decided that we should take a step back and just date. He said that "we" (again, he) are just not ready for a committed relationship. UGH. I think I am more than ready, I'm just not feeling it with him. I told him I don't work backwards but I thought I'd let this play out and see what actually happens. In my mind, the relationship and "we" were totally over. I have no interest in trying to fix something that shouldn't have been put together in the first place.

Anyway, on a brighter note... I've actually started dating someone else. The night of the "breakup talk" I decided to 1. change my FB status back to single (which I realize is petty and immature, but hey... he brought up the talk so I'm allowed to reclaim my single status) 2. reactivate my Match profile. I realize the stigma that comes along with online dating, but at the same time... fuck it. I'd rather use this site and meet lots of new potentially fun people to hang out with rather than sit at home and whine about what a sad life I have. Honestly, all my friends are from high school so I hardly meet any friends-of-friends, my school program is 95% women, and my work? Well... right now it's just me and my boss in our department so it's not like I have a lot of variety. I mean yeah, there are other people at work but almost everyone is older, gay, or a woman. Really, the only person who is CLOSE to my age is this Asian minister guy. Yikes... not my style.

So the new guy... well. I don't want to jinx anything but he's pretty great. We had an awesome 1st date (Cafe Brasil and coffee) and actually have a mutual acquaintance! Such a coincidence. He's 30 and lives about 10 miles from me (much better than 55 miles from me) and he's Chinese. Which is new for me... usually I date white guys. But I like spending time with him, he makes me feel smart and funny, and I feel like I can be more of myself around him. I guess most of my friends are Chinese so it makes sense that I feel more comfortable around this new guy. Our second date was also great... LACMA (ooh art!), sushi, and coffee. He also managed to somehow teach me chess. My brain was super drained after two games though... so hard to remember all the different moves. But yes. He's so smart, funny, polite, a gentleman, playful, and... familiar. Is that weird?

I'm worried that I got over the other guy so fast, but if something feels right... then shouldn't I just go for it?

March is Almost Over

I like to state the obvious. So yes, March is almost over and what the hell have I been doing with myself? I'm more than halfway done with my Spring semester. In mid-May I will have completed my first year of graduate school. Wow. It's been an interesting journey, but I guess I'll talk about that after I successfully COMPLETE my first year.

What else is happening... work is the same. A bit more going on which is OK I guess. I like doing nothing for work but I guess if I can do some meaningful crap then, that's good too I guess. Hmm. The commuting does suck though. I fill my tank two to three times a week. AND speaking of driving...

I am finally in a relationship. It feels weird and foreign to me. I'm not sure how to act or how to feel or what's appropriate or what's out of line or what's normal. I feel all awkward and insecure and unsure of what's supposed to happen. All this newness is kind of fun I guess, but mostly it's just confusing and maybe a bit stressful. I like the guy and I LIKE being in a relationship with him, but it's still just all so new to me. Anyway, he lives like 50 miles from my house which is why I mentioned the driving thing. It's a pretty crappy drive but it's not too bad. I've driven from his apt to school TWICE already, and it's 75 miles from his place to school. And then after school is over, it's 40 miles home. UGH shoot me.

But it's worth it I guess. We'll see. In the beginning of the relationship, I think I was more reluctant and he was more into it... and now that I'm more into it, I feel like he might be becoming more reluctant. Why is this so effing confusing? This is kind of why it takes me so long to like someone... because the moment I start investing, I start to lose it. Or feel like I'm about to lose it. Am I losing it?!

UGH.

February.

School has started, the rain is here, and it's finally cold again. This SoCal weather is soo crazy. Last week it was 85 degrees and sunny. This week it is cold and rainy and it's hailed a few times. Yeesh. Anyway, this month has been pretty good so far, but then again it's only the 7th.

Ahhh hello cynical Christy. Hehe, well after my stupid dating disappointment before Christmas I've started to re-enter the dating world. Even though my dating disappointment, hereby known as DD, wasn't that terrible. I think it was just the fact that I started to get excited, then I got nervous that I was getting excited because I was scared of being disappointed, and then hello self fulfilling prophecy... I was disappointed. *Sigh. Anyway, I decided to sign up for Match and it's been pretty bad. I get lots of msgs from dirty old men (I've gotten a few from 40+ year old men) and from guys that don't quite have a handle on the English language. Terrible. But I did actually start talking to this one guy that is 1. smart 2. not a nerd 3. cute 4. normal 5. not a stalker/serial killer as far as I can tell.

So.... we'll see where this goes. We went on our first date last week after chatting online/texting/phone conversations for a few weeks.

Cute.

Dating is a joke. I hate dating and I hate being rejected.

Life sucks.

December... End of 2008

So here it is, the end of the year. And what's happened? Hmmm not THAT much apparently. Ok, I'm downplaying it, but seriously. Nothing super crazy has happened in my life and I'm pretty much alright with that. I guess. Let's start from the beginning shall we?

Highlights of Christy's 2008

January: moved from SF to LA, back in with the parents.

February: applied to grad school, enrolled in a Stats class in preparation for grad school

March: interviewed for grad school, got a crappy job at a spa

April: accepted into grad school

May: turned 25 years old... quarter of a century and what do I have to really show for myself? Well, I guess grad school...

June: finished stats and got an A... A for AMAZING, quit my crappy job

July: wow, nothing-ness... no job, no school, no money, and yet no problem

August: still nothing-ness until the end of the month when I started my grad program

September: school, got another job... not crappy but crappy commute

October: went on my FIRST date in like 6 months

November: went on another first date with another guy, actually enjoyed myself?

December: finished school (well my first semester and it feels soooo good), still working, still going on dates with the same guy

So it hasn't been THAT bad of a year. Just a little boring. I wish I could put some more action into this post but not too much has actually happened. To sum up my year in 12 short sentences... well that's a little sad. But hey, whatever! I'm pretty excited (and scared) to see what the new year brings. Hopefully excitement and happiness, but we shall SEE. I'm not holding my breath..

I still have great friends and I live rent free so life is pretty good.

November

Ahh well the end of November is quickly approaching. I have about three more weeks of school, a few final papers, and yet... no tests. SWEET. I took one test for my Assessment class, but it was retarded (about as retarded as the midterm). The prof gives us the questions and answers to study and then he checks our tests before we turn it in so that we're not missing anything (or at least missing a lot... on the midterm I missed one damn point). So hopefully I did well on that test last week. But we shall see.

As far as life in general, it's looking pretty good I think. I was supposed to meet up with this random guy I met online on Saturday... and he turned out to be a psycho even before I hung out with him. Let me explain...

We randomly started chatting last week and I gave him my AIM SN. He would constantly IM me (even when my status was away... which I don't really mind when it's someone that I talk to on a regular basis, but that's pretty weird for a guy I JUST started talking to). Anyway. I gave him my number because we had plans to hang out this last Saturday. He called me on Wednesday and we chatted for like 30-40 minutes... Anyway, I told him that he should feel honored that I talked to him at all since it's rare for me to talk to anyone on the phone. So what does he do? Calls me again on Friday at like 6 pm just to TALK. What the heezy... I was about to take a nap and he called to ask what I did all day. So effing weird.

So Saturday rolls around and Susie tells me that she gets 33% off at the Rack so I decide to blow off random internet guy and I was nice enough to be honest. This was our conversation:

Me: Sorry, can't make it later today... I'm not canceling... just postponing
Him: Oh. Did something come up?
Me: Yeah... actually I'm going to be perfectly honest and say that I'm going shopping... my friend gets a huge discount and I can't miss it... it only comes around like once a year. I'm really really sorry but we'll meet up later in the week.
Him: That's lame. I think you just don't want to hang out and you're just making up an excuse.
Me; uh... Well I'm telling the truth so take it or leave it
Him: Well, call me after you go shopping and let me know how it goes to make feel better
Me: uh... I'll call if I have time, but I'm going to be pretty busy for the rest of the night

PSYCHO. And he wasn't like OVERTLY crazy, just crazy enough. I could see him being a really needy, clingy, and annoying guy to date. Yikes.

Anyway, he IM'ed me last night and said, "Don't get mad, but I don't think I want to hang out anymore"... ahhh he took the words right out of my MOUTH. Thank goodness. I didn't really feel like getting stabbed anyway.

But, I have gone on a few dates with this other random guy... and I actually like him. I go on dates with him because I actually WANT to... not because I think it's good practice. So... we'll see how this turns out. :) I'm actually excited to be excited.

Epiphany

So.. being in a counseling grad program really makes you re-evaluate who you think you are. I was promised at the beginning of the program that I will leave a different person... and interestingly enough, I've already had an epiphany about myself. Amazing. Anyway, I've realized that I have a really really difficult time dealing with sadness. But not in the way you think.

It's hard for me to witness sad people... especially people who are crying. At first I thought it was just pure empathy ("Oh, I'm such a PEOPLE person that I cab just feel everyone else's feelings"). But then I realized it's not just empathy. I want people to stop crying for self-serving purposes. I can't bear to watch people cry because it just plain freaks me out. I've realized that I hate hate HATE feeling sad and expressing sadness. I have two gears: happy and angry. That's it. Two speeds. Two. That's it. Eh, maybe a third... neutral. Hm.

Anywhoo... I think I did my own fair share of crying in my teenage years and early 20s. Now I'm just this bitter old bitch who lacks any real human emotion because I'm over compensating for sadness. I feel as though I'm just kinda moving through life without really living. I need to reevaluate my thought-process.

Crying and sadness do not equal weakness. (repeat)

NOTE: sorry this is kind of a downer if anyone is actually reading, but this thought has been kind of consuming me for the past few days.

Uh... This is amazing.

My SF Visit

So! Updates again I guess.... although there is almost nothing new to report.  I did just find out today that I got a job as a Career Counseling Assistant at West LA College... NICE. It's part-time, in the right job field, and I could possibly use these hours as internship hours for next year! Awesome. It also helps that my sister's good friends with the guy who hired me. Sweeeet. So it's all kind of up in the air still, but hopefully I'll start at the end of this week and go from there!

Last Tuesday I drove from LA to SF for a friend's (her name is Zzipper) wedding and to hang out with all my much missed SF buddies.  I carpooled with my friend Kathy who also had a wedding to attend that weekend, so we decided to have a little roadtrip.

I arrived Tuesday night and had dinner with Ellen and my other friend Kathy at Mehfil, my favoritest Indian/Pakistani joint ever. Mmmmm delicious chicken tikka masala.  Wednesday I had lunch with Melissa at Out the Door, we walked around the mall and a little bit of Union Square area, met up with other old coworkers at Jade Bar, had a delicious pizza dinner at Patxi's... and interestingly enough, I got TIPSY.  I surprised myself.  I had a giant mojito at Jade Bar and then a beer at Patxi's.  So awesome. I haven't been tipsy in... well a long time.  Tipsy, not sick. :) Nice.

Thursday, I visited Ellen at Apple for lunch then stopped by Google to hang with Kishore and Ty for a bit.  That night Ellen and I got Burma Superstar take-out for dinner (YUM) and then watched Pineapple Express (funny... also James Franco is a hottie... although he looks homeless in this movie, I'd still hit it).  Friday, Ellen and I shopped for a dress for her to wear to Zzip's wedding and then we headed up to Sonoma around 3-ish.  The wedding was beautiful! COLD as hell, but beautiful and small and intimate.  It was great seeing all my old coworker buddies... haven't seen them in over a year.

Saturday, Ellen and I met up for brunch with Em and Melissa at Mission Beach Cafe in the Mission. Yum. After we walked off our meal by checking out all the random stores in the Mission.  I'd say we walked a good 15-20 blocks! After, Ellen and I got $39 massages in Chinatown. So good. Seriously.  It was comparable to the $85 massages that I got at my old employer. Nice.  Saturday night we met up with Bo & Co. for dinner at Town Hall in SoMa.  I ordered the yummiest fried chicken with creamed corn and gravy and biscuits. Ugh... taste explosion.  Most of my trip revolved around all the delicious things I got to eat.  After dinner, we headed to 83 Proof and hung out for a bit before everyone finally succumbed to food coma.

Sunday was my last day in the city and I spent the morning walking around Chinatown and eating dim sum with Ellen! Yum yum fun. I left the city around 1:30 pm and got home around 8 pm (with a few stops in between).  Susie and I are already planning another trip to SF in late October... weeeee!

And now... pictures!

Update Time Again

Well nothing much has happened in the last month.  I'm still an unemployed bum, I still sleep way later than a 25 year old should, and I'm as boring as ever.  Hmm let's see what's happened since my last update...

No additional dates have occurred with the guy I went out with last month.  He was really sweet and funny... but I just wasn't that into him.  I think I have a mental block and am just scared to meet new people. Or well, I'm not scared to MEET new people, but to DATE new people is scary.  Also, I haven't spoken to him in over a month. So he's probably not interested in me either. No foul, no harm. Other than that guy, there aren't any other prospects.  I think I just need to stop trying/caring and just enjoy my singledom.

I'm still unemployed but will be working at good ol' Nordy's this upcoming weekend to help out during the sale! I'm pretty excited to reprise my role as shoe cashier and hope that I don't spend more money than I make. That would be totally counter-productive.  No new job prospects either. I've applied to a few local admin type stupid jobs around my house, but unfortunately no one wants to talk/interview/hire me. Lame. Oh well, I'd just like to enjoy my summer before school starts. 

Since my last post, I traveled to Pismo once again with Susie and Chris for a 3-day-middle-of-the-week random trip to eat Jocko's, eat Splash, and watch tv at the condo. Awesome. Susie and I did shop

 a bit at the Pismo Outlets but were greatly disappointed and only bought some big pouffy house slippers (they were like $3... sweeeet).  On the way home we did stop at the Camarillo Outlets and were much luckier! Well, lucky as in we found lots of great things to buy... unlucky because I'm draining my already dry bank account.  I found a really really cute cotton v-neck navy dress from J.Crew, some cute navy shorts, and I think that's it. Susie got a cute dress and top too! Yay shopping!

I also visited San Diego with my family this last weekend. It was a totally fun and wholesome family weekend trip.  We stayed at the Embassy Suites (my mom won two free nights at any Embassy Suites/Hilton in CA), visited my mom's relatives, went to Sea World (which was freaking awesome since I haven't been there since I was like 9 or 10), and hung out at the hotel room.  Embassy Suites probably has the best breakfast at a hotel EVER.  It's just like Google breakfast.  Made-to-order omelette bar, all you can eat bacon, sausage, panclocks, french toast, toast, fruit, oatmeal bar, etc etc etc. Wow, I'm getting a little bit hungry just thinking about it. Hm. Anyway, the trip was pretty awesome.  My aunt and little cousin joined us and it was a great trip overall.  I'll post a few random pics from the trip...

Cutest little penguin ever! I should have bought it...

Jumping picture... FAIL.

Jumping picture... success!

Me looking up a statue's skirt... dirty girl!

Shamu!

Scary sharks... the one on the bottom does NOT look happy.

Dolphin! My favorite animal I think... so smart and cute.

Seals!

Posing for penguin pics!

Walrus pushing his face up on the glass

Family portrait minus my older sister

Making funny faces

So overall... quite a good trip! I love Sea World. They have a ticket deal right now that if you buy a day pass, you can come back ANOTHER day for FREE anytime before the end of 2008. Hopefully I can finagle someone to come with me again. I love animals! Next stop... Magic Mountain or Disneyland or some other theme park perhaps. I forgot how much fun theme parks are.

Oh! I also registered for my classes, got my ID card, and am all set for school! Yay. I'm pretty excited. I hope it's not super duper hard... it's okay if it's kind of hard as long as it's interesting. Wish me luck.

Over and out!

Requested Update

Cheech requested an update... so here we go!  Very quickly though because it's almost 4 am.

1. I passed my Stats class!

2. Which means I have the green light for grad school just as soon as they send me my damn registration time/date... I haven't gotten it yet, even though it seems everyone else has, so a frantic phone call will be made on Monday.

3. I am currently hanging out in Pismo with Ellen! We ate Splash clam chowdah and Jocko's amazing steak.

4. I went on two dates in the last two weeks. Same guy. He's nice I guess but no sparks for me unfortunately.

5. I am now unemployed. I decided I can't stand my bosses and the job was not worth a crappy $9 an hour.

6. I am also now 25. Scary. Quarter life crisis is upon (most of) us.

7. I just saw the Sex and the City movie... it was OK I guess.... Iron Man and Kung Fu Panda were better I think.

8. I can't wait for Get Smart and Wall-E!

The end! Short and sweet.

Quick Update

It's been awhile since I've updated on my personal life... minus the purchase and then untimely death of Herbie Hancock... SO! Here is an update for my three or so readers:

School has been the same. I'm not doing SUPER great in Stats anymore, but I just want a B- or better so whatever.   My online class has finished, thank goodness, because it was mostly just a waste of time.  Somewhat interesting but not so much in an online class setting.  Work is shitty. I really am not enjoying the management and I'm getting tired of dealing with their crap.  One day I'm supposed to do this, and another day it's different, and ultimately the number of responsibilities are going up.  They now want me to always update the website whenever they have changes.  Lame. I'm getting paid almost nothing and the owner still treats me like crap. It's terrible.  I've applied for about 7 jobs today online so hopefully I'll get some kind of word back soon.  If not, well... I'm just going to quit anyway by mid June. Suck on that bitches!

Besides that, nothing else is new.  It was Susie's birthday on Saturday! Susie, Chris, and I had a nice mediterranean dinner at Casablanca in downtown Claremont, then it was a walk-around 24 Hour Walmart (as usual), and then yummy red velvet cake at Chris's house.  On Sunday, Susie, Kat, Kathy, and I had a tea party in celebration of Susie's birthday (YAY for birthday WEEKENDS!) and walked around The Huntington.  Unfortch it was 100+ degrees and we were all pretty much melting.  After the tea party, we got pedicures and just relaxed.  I ended up falling asleep, then going swimming for about 20 minutes, and after I just ran errands with my little sister.  My life is boring and my job sucks.  I feel like my life is in a constant lull.  Nothing really exciting or interesting really happens... it's just very boring.

Oh well. Something vaguely exciting is that I ordered a cute swimsuit from Victoria's Secret. What is vaguely depressing is that no matter how hard I exercise I'll never look like Gisele. Fuck it. I love food. I researched all these cool special discount codes online for VS and found a code for $10 off $50 purchase, $10 off a Very Sexy bra, and free cotton underpants.  Pretty freaking awesome.  So I got a bikini, bra (the Very Sexy wireless is probably the most comfy bra EVER) for only $20, AND underpants for $60 with tax and shipping.  Pretty awesome.  The pics below are of my bikini... yay! Hopefully it'll arrive before or near my birthday so it can be a birthday gift to myself.  I got the peachy color.

I swear...

German people are the shit.  I seriously felt like I was on drugs watching this video... crack or maybe acid. Bizarre.

RIP Herbie Hancock

 I just killed my fish after having him for three days. How sad.

Replacement Pet

Please meet my new pet... Herbie Hancock.

John Mayer = Funny?

John Mayer is kind of funny... and hot.

I'd hit it.

My favorite...

oldies song. Or at least top 3. Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas. NICE.

Performed by a 10 year old Japanese girl.

I feel so inadequate next to this kid's talent.