Cute.

Introspection

So this post is going to be more a collection of thoughts and mulling over things I've discussed tonight.

Had a coffee date with S. Really enjoyed talking to him about... my feeeelings (said in a sarcastic way) and just about my life in general. I think he wants to get a better sense of who I am and how I may or may not fit into his life or his goals or his... ideal.  It was scary to put my fears and insecurities and past pains out in the open but at the same time it was refreshing. Refreshing in the sense that someone cared enough to ask me about things that are generally hard for me to talk about.  I don't know if anyone's ever really asked me the deep questions or cared enough to listen.  Maybe I'm just more used to conversations that are actually two conversations that are happening simultaneously.  Usually I feel that it's a game of double dutch... both participants are waiting to jump in at the most opportune time to share their own feelings/thoughts/ideas without really listening.

I came across this little paper that was posted at high school I work at, and it said "Listen to understand, not to respond." And I thought it was so... spot-on.  So many people talk to just to be heard and only listen to be polite.  People are too busy trying to persuade/jam/force their own ideas onto others that they don't listen to understand.  I really feel like S listened because he wants to understand me.  I think I was kind of this... enigma to him. I don't think he felt he knew the real me, and let's face it... he didn't. And to be honest, he still probably doesn't.  I'm not sure I have a 100% clear idea of who is the real me, but then again, who does? 

I learned a lot about him too. Things that usually scare me off or give me the red flag, but with him I'm not really scared.  I'm just kind of taking it all in and processing it still.  I feel really weird right now. I feel like it got suddenly super clear... then it all just got murky again as I tried to process it some more.  It's kind of like when you have a crazy dream and the harder you try to remember it, the fuzzier the memory gets.

What do I want out of life? What do I ultimately want from S? What do I really want from myself?

A few thoughts/epiphanies I've had tonight:

1. I must stop living for other people and learn how to live for and with myself

2. No one is perfect, give it up

3. Failure is, and usually is, an option... it's OK to fail if you learn from it and move on

S made me realize that I am afraid of failure.  I can accept flaws and failures and mistakes from others, but for myself... hoo boy, it does not work well for me.  I'm super hard on myself and hold myself to a standard and when I fail, I totally beat myself up about it. I know I do this and I've realized I do this, but I never realized that it rooted from my fear of failure.  S seemed pretty scared about that because he thinks he is not afraid of failure. But really, who isn't? I'm not sure I believe him on that one. He gives himself a pretty hard time but I guess the difference between the two of us is that he tries more than I do.  Fear holds me back from a lot of things.

Did I potentially scare S away with my "realness?" Hm. I dunno. Well, the only thing I can do is just be myself and if he doesn't like it, he can leave. And if I don't like him, I can leave. We don't have a "title" of boyfriend/girlfriend and I feel totally fine with that.  I feel secure about how he feels about me and he feels secure about how I feel about him.  We're honest with each other and we're still in that "getting to know you" stage.  I think that a relationship is so much stronger when you choose to be with that person instead of letting obligations tie you to that person when you're not sure you should, or want to, be.  I like him and he likes me. Let's just see what happens. We're going to take it slow. But honestly, I don't think any other guy I've dated has really wanted to push me to be a more whole person.  He wants me to grow and I want him to grow.  This all sounds super cheese, but it's true.  I want someone that will challenge me instead of indulge/humor/patronize me.  I want someone who I can feel comfortable enough to challenge and push.  

If I show him the REAL me, will he run? Who is the real me? AHHH. So many thoughts coursing through my brain.

I know that I like him and I like spending time with him. I know that this feels like something real.

Let's just see what happens. I'm going to hope for the best.

Single Again

Seriously. Seriously? Seriously!

This is retarded. Why is dating so freaking complicated and hard? Why can't two people like each other for who they are and then work toward having a meaningful relationship? It all sounds so simple but in reality, it's so... ridiculous. So my "boyfriend" and I had only been officially together for like two months and he decides that he doesn't feel any type of deep connection with me. Which confused and hurt me, but at the same time it made me open my eyes and realize that my feelings for him were luke-warm. I liked him, yes. But was it a like that could potentially turn into love? I think that I really liked him in the beginning, and instead of that feeling turning into something more... it just kind of plateau'ed and stopped. It just... hit the max. So the end of the story is that "we" (and by we I mean he) decided that we should take a step back and just date. He said that "we" (again, he) are just not ready for a committed relationship. UGH. I think I am more than ready, I'm just not feeling it with him. I told him I don't work backwards but I thought I'd let this play out and see what actually happens. In my mind, the relationship and "we" were totally over. I have no interest in trying to fix something that shouldn't have been put together in the first place.

Anyway, on a brighter note... I've actually started dating someone else. The night of the "breakup talk" I decided to 1. change my FB status back to single (which I realize is petty and immature, but hey... he brought up the talk so I'm allowed to reclaim my single status) 2. reactivate my Match profile. I realize the stigma that comes along with online dating, but at the same time... fuck it. I'd rather use this site and meet lots of new potentially fun people to hang out with rather than sit at home and whine about what a sad life I have. Honestly, all my friends are from high school so I hardly meet any friends-of-friends, my school program is 95% women, and my work? Well... right now it's just me and my boss in our department so it's not like I have a lot of variety. I mean yeah, there are other people at work but almost everyone is older, gay, or a woman. Really, the only person who is CLOSE to my age is this Asian minister guy. Yikes... not my style.

So the new guy... well. I don't want to jinx anything but he's pretty great. We had an awesome 1st date (Cafe Brasil and coffee) and actually have a mutual acquaintance! Such a coincidence. He's 30 and lives about 10 miles from me (much better than 55 miles from me) and he's Chinese. Which is new for me... usually I date white guys. But I like spending time with him, he makes me feel smart and funny, and I feel like I can be more of myself around him. I guess most of my friends are Chinese so it makes sense that I feel more comfortable around this new guy. Our second date was also great... LACMA (ooh art!), sushi, and coffee. He also managed to somehow teach me chess. My brain was super drained after two games though... so hard to remember all the different moves. But yes. He's so smart, funny, polite, a gentleman, playful, and... familiar. Is that weird?

I'm worried that I got over the other guy so fast, but if something feels right... then shouldn't I just go for it?

March is Almost Over

I like to state the obvious. So yes, March is almost over and what the hell have I been doing with myself? I'm more than halfway done with my Spring semester. In mid-May I will have completed my first year of graduate school. Wow. It's been an interesting journey, but I guess I'll talk about that after I successfully COMPLETE my first year.

What else is happening... work is the same. A bit more going on which is OK I guess. I like doing nothing for work but I guess if I can do some meaningful crap then, that's good too I guess. Hmm. The commuting does suck though. I fill my tank two to three times a week. AND speaking of driving...

I am finally in a relationship. It feels weird and foreign to me. I'm not sure how to act or how to feel or what's appropriate or what's out of line or what's normal. I feel all awkward and insecure and unsure of what's supposed to happen. All this newness is kind of fun I guess, but mostly it's just confusing and maybe a bit stressful. I like the guy and I LIKE being in a relationship with him, but it's still just all so new to me. Anyway, he lives like 50 miles from my house which is why I mentioned the driving thing. It's a pretty crappy drive but it's not too bad. I've driven from his apt to school TWICE already, and it's 75 miles from his place to school. And then after school is over, it's 40 miles home. UGH shoot me.

But it's worth it I guess. We'll see. In the beginning of the relationship, I think I was more reluctant and he was more into it... and now that I'm more into it, I feel like he might be becoming more reluctant. Why is this so effing confusing? This is kind of why it takes me so long to like someone... because the moment I start investing, I start to lose it. Or feel like I'm about to lose it. Am I losing it?!

UGH.

February.

School has started, the rain is here, and it's finally cold again. This SoCal weather is soo crazy. Last week it was 85 degrees and sunny. This week it is cold and rainy and it's hailed a few times. Yeesh. Anyway, this month has been pretty good so far, but then again it's only the 7th.

Ahhh hello cynical Christy. Hehe, well after my stupid dating disappointment before Christmas I've started to re-enter the dating world. Even though my dating disappointment, hereby known as DD, wasn't that terrible. I think it was just the fact that I started to get excited, then I got nervous that I was getting excited because I was scared of being disappointed, and then hello self fulfilling prophecy... I was disappointed. *Sigh. Anyway, I decided to sign up for Match and it's been pretty bad. I get lots of msgs from dirty old men (I've gotten a few from 40+ year old men) and from guys that don't quite have a handle on the English language. Terrible. But I did actually start talking to this one guy that is 1. smart 2. not a nerd 3. cute 4. normal 5. not a stalker/serial killer as far as I can tell.

So.... we'll see where this goes. We went on our first date last week after chatting online/texting/phone conversations for a few weeks.